And we moved a step closer

I slammed the door behind me, and started walking to the bus stop. I was angry but I was crying. It’s not like I felt weak or cranky, I just felt angry about feeling hurt. I boarded the next bus to downtown. I was happy about the long journey that I’d get to calm myself down. Through the constant sniffing and sobbing, I tried to sort my emotions and recall everything that happened. Right from him coming home, cooking for me, and standing in the balcony when his best friend Chris shouted about their last night’s party; last night when he was working his ass off apparently. And then I thought of everything after me walking in- questioning him about what he did and why he lied; I wasn't going to stop him or accompany him anyway! And he called me a cold girlfriend, someone who barely cared or showed love. All the words kept hitting rewind in my head and I tried ignoring the people staring at me as I cried. When I reached English Bay, I got off the bus, took an ice cream in the cold winter breeze and placed myself on the soft and moist sand. The frost under me melted.

While I sat there, now crying less and feeling calmer, a familiar voice called out, “You’re gonna catch a cold red nose Rudolf!” What was Sam doing here?

“Sometimes it’s worth, I don’t care anyway..”

“Woah woah! That wrath my pretty face? If I was nice enough I’d make you some kind of soup.”

“Yeah, please don’t though. I’m kind of in the mood of smashing any fragile object.”

“Wowie! Is it the same heartbreaking jerk again?” I turned away at his question. He insisted, “So what did he do?”

“Told me he loves me.”

“Okay. I get it. You don’t wanna talk. Look at the stars! Want me to sing you a lullaby? You know..”

“Geez Sam shut up.” He did as I asked him to. Then I said again, “I used to have glow stars in my old home. They were decorated all across my ceiling.”

“And the point is?”

“Nothing. I liked that. Right now I have a bedroom with popcorn ceilings and it’s really annoying.”

“I have a room that is cluttered with things. Mostly from my girlfriend, but they’re cute.”

“My ideal room would be as minimal furniture as possible. The bed would either on the floor or very prettily somehow incorporated in the wall; but not the folding ones. And lots of wall art- maps, murals, frames, paintings, shelves! Actually I always wanted a world map as one entire wall. Or the entire room as charcoal art in black white n brown. And lights! Like cute little lamps everywhere. Or Christmas lights, just prettier and not multicoloured. And this all in a tiny loft apartment somewhere in heart of some huge city. Oh and a flower vase, as much as I hate flowers! And bean bags because I miss those things the most.”

“Wasn't that just a description of your old home?”

“It kinda was. Why?”

“Because you moved from there to live with someone who is going to be the reason behind your cold. Because seriously eating an ice cream right now isn’t wise.”

“Because I ,ummm ya because I love him. And so we moved, together.”

“Awww how romantic.” He said sarcastically.

“Shut up.”

“Okay hothead. Why world maps? They give an idea of how tiny you are on this planet”

“Yep, that's what I love! It’s like when the world is so big I have no reason to be stuck in one place attached to one set of things.”

“Okay. Have fun. I’ll stick to my world of computers and a job that’s sucks.”

“That’s just too bad for you. Does it make me abnormal if I always wanna be moving around and not stay at home? And definitely not near technology, but I still find tech utterly interesting.”

“That’s the thing about me too. I do enough camping to get away from tech, and still spend enough time around tech”

“Yeah you’re lucky. I want to camp too but at the same time I wanna go around places.

I don't like people but I love strangers. A world where I'm nobody and nobody is everyone to me. Like another face in the crowd, someone whose presence goes unnoticed but is always felt. I either want to be an introvert hiding away in some tiny village or be an active nobody in an extremely fast moving city. It’s as if the in between is annoying."

“I'm okay with my lifestyle; holed away for most of the time, I have a beautiful companion to life who has rejected marrying me thrice but yet I love her undauntedly, and then camping every so often by myself or with family.”

“That hypocrisy! You are the one usually whining about camping with your family and not getting along with the differences between you and Anya.”

“Fine! I would rather go camp independently all by myself than with them. But as for Anya, I love her no matter what. Maybe I should involve her in my activities every so often eh?”

“Umhm..”

“Now what? Unless you feel like imagining more perfect lifestyles, talk about something.”

“I feel like on an especial emotional roller coaster from happy to dreamy to numb to upset to angry to pensive. All of this in just the last 40 minutes.”

“I better not have anything to do with it. Guys messing with a girl’s emotions aren't fun”

“No, guys are too lame to be worth a girl's emotions.”

“Ouch!”

“Bitter truths.”

“I'm okay with that. Less girl problems” 

“That'd be a boon for you now and in the future.”

“What? That I'm too lame for a girl’s emotion? Therefore I go unnoticed and thought of as non-social”

“No, not caring about not being cared about is pretty good. It creates less emotional issues.”

“Less issues in general”

“Yes. And by guys being lame I mean most issues a girl has that is related to guys are lame or petty and so not worth it. Of course, if only all girls understood that right?”

“If only! But no, because drama is fun! So still ruing about loving him?”

“I don’t know Sam. Maybe he doesn't feel the same anymore.”

“Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?”

“I'm the paradox on that one. Better to have loved some people and never been loved back than to lose them n be loved by another person you could never love back”

“That’s more heartbreaking”

“It’s basically finding a way to live life happily without expecting much from others. And no, it’s just, you know, living one's own life and finding one's own happiness. It is quite indeed possible to be in love without being loved back and still remain happy.”

“Yeah maybe, if you are okay with the awkwardness of thinking about that every time you are near the person. Basically what I did around you for a long time.” He said and pushed an arm around my shoulder. I was still thinking about our fight but moved into his warm embrace. 

“Ya or that too. Makes me feel pathetic of how I never did that around you. As much as I feel for you, I just somehow seemed to be normal no matter what. Like I'd already not expected things to be any different”

“Well, that’s because you never thought I would love you back. What you said earlier- don’t expect anything from others.”

“I guess, but that then I feel is a part of me being selfish; like a mortal flaw. Just because I wouldn't wanna care about some people I'd spend a lifetime not expecting anyone to care for me. Like I did to you today. And then blamed you for calling for calling me cold.”

“Umhm..”

“Hey guess what? I finally talked myself into discovering moral flaw number one. Now I know what to do! Actually no, it’s number 1.5. After the forgetting things and our anniversaries you know!”

“Yes I was just about to mention that. And, and I'm sorry about the evening Anya. I wish I wasn't so harsh. I wish I could explain everything I do. Just like you, I feel so vulnerable, so unstable. Will you still marry me some day when you finally feel pity for me trying and being rejected over and over again?”

I laughed and said, “I will think of that. And ya, I wish I wasn’t so petty.”

“Yeah me too.” At that I pushed him away saying, “Geez why do I even live with you!?”

“Because I’m hot?” I scowled. “Okay because I’ll always be your best-friend first. The Sam you knew before you left your perfect little life. And I promise I will make it worth. I love you and always will! We will move away from this small town and travel the world! But for now you will have to do with a map. Is that okay?”

“Yeah I can make do. And soup. I will need map and soup if you want me to come home.”

“Map and soup it is! Let’s go now!”

And at that he slipped his hand into mine and pulled me to my feet. We moved a step closer to accepting each other with all our flaws. Sometimes, some things are just solved that way. You end up wondering what the conflict was and who was at fault but then you realize none of it matters. It’s the nature of love to accept people, but it’s the nature of friendship to evolve people. And I am lucky to have both in one person.

Few Words

Let's say this one just popped out of the blue. It's the general issue in the world these days, when  couples find it hard to be best friends. And for those who prefer staying single and amazing, it's hard to be best friends with someone who has an overly attached significant other. The love is never missing, it's the emotion that people usually miss out. And for that, we all need a friend sometimes more than sorry texts and gifts. All it takes sometimes is the calm to talk and ice cream!